If a Secretary writes a letter, it's too long.
If he sends a postal, it's too short.
If he doesn't send a notice, he is lazy.
If he attends a committee meeting, he is butting in.
If he stays away, he is a shirker.
If he duns the members for dues, he is insulting.
If he fails to collect the dues, he is slipping.
If he asks for advice, he is incompetent.
If he does not, he is bull-headed.
If he writes his reports complete, they are too long.
If he condenses them, they are incomplete.
If he talks on a subject in Lodge, he is trying to run things.
If he remains quiet, he has lost interest in the meeting.
>.........Ashes to Ashes............. >.........Dust to Dust............... >
>.........If others won't do it---- >.........The Secretary must!!!!!

------------------

After receiving his first degree,
a man returned home to his wife.
Although he told her he couldn't talk about the degree,
she kept pestering him to tell her something.
He finally gave in and said, "I can tell you this.
It seems like there are three kinds of men in the lodge: the walkers, the talkers, and the holy men. After I first entered the lodge room,
the walkers kept me moving from one place to another.
Every place we stopped there was a talker who gave a long speech."
"Well," his wife asked, "who are these holy men?"
"They were a bunch of men sitting on the sidelines," he responded,
"and every time one of the talkers was speaking,
these guys covered their faces with their hands and kept saying '
Oh, my God...oh, my God.'"

-----------------------------

A tired old mason whose hair was gray,
Came to the gates of Heaven one day,
When asked, what on earth he had done the most,
He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast.
St. Peter said, as he tolled the Bell,
Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.

-----------------------------------

Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the
previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the
sidelines and complain that
this wasn't the way they USED to screw in light bulbs

-------------------------------------------

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first.
One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing.
A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!"
"Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?"
"Indeed I am" said Bill.
Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"
"There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."
"My goodness, Bill," said Pat, "It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter."
"Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."
"OK, so what's the good news?"
"The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"
"Great" said Pat. "What's the bad news then?"
"You're the Senior Deacon!